I skipped last week – didn’t write ’cause I was in a bad state of mind. Not much better this week though.
I had a Great weekend with Maddie… Ellie was on her Step Grandfather’s island – he’s a caretaker there. She absolutely loves it, so I don’t begrudge her at all. And I think Maddie and I needed it to kinda recover some lost ground. I don’t know how much it helped, as I only had her Saturday afternoon to Sunday, but at least it was something. She REALLY is an awesome person!
I have the most BEAUTIFUL and INTERESTING kids in the world… they have so much to say, and such insightful views…
I am feeling sad though… lost relationships (which really is for the best, but still hurts tremendously,) lost friends, who I miss tremendously – MY fault though… neglectful as I am… lost kids, because they have a great life where they are, and I am secondary… lost career, because I gave up the one I love for family, and don’t take the one I have seriously enough…
I am the one to blame across the board, so I should really just suck it up. But it’s hard. I miss my friends, family, kids, career… I miss it all. But at least Ellie still loves me LOL! Even if she wasn’t here this weekend. I adore Maddie, but she has so much more in common with her mother, her stepdad, and her friends… I don’t blame her for keeping me at bay. But we still have AWESOME intellectual conversations… about physics, politics, philosophy, religion… and this is a 12 YEAR OLD… she really is outstanding!
Ellie and I seem to click on a more emotional level… and creative side. She and I can hang out, and I never worry that she is bored. She and I just have that kind of relationship. But Maddie and I relate so easily on a more analytical level. They are the two sides of me that make me such an intellectual dillitente LOL!
Ellie has such a way with words… is so empathetic… has such a mind for description and narrative, I can’t even describe it! She discusses feelings and events in a way adults can’t comprehend… until they read it in her words! But at the same time she draws with such passion! She has an eye for composition, and has since the age of 3. She has balance… detail… grasps the essence of what she is drawing… and realizes very clearly the importance of people over the importance of things.
They are both so incredibly intelligent, but in such different ways! Maddie is an analyst beyond compare. She wants to be a lawyer, but could be an astrophysicist or philosopher. Ellie is so incredibly creative, and absolutely SHOULD be a writer and artist!
I adore them both in such different ways… I may connect with Ellie easier, as well as am astounded by her amazing ability to discern real emotions in writing that she hasn’t even experienced, but Maddie is also one I can discuss wave partical theory, non-linear mathematics, and practical application for Chaos Theory with.
Maddie and I have such great conversations… but she starts way too early in the morning for my moods LOL! I connect with her sometime in Midafternoon after my coffee has kicked in. Then we have a ball!
I ADORE both my children… am SO proud of them… and LOVE every second I get with them. I wish it was more, of course, but I so appreciate the time I have with them.
So why am I sad? I don’t know.
I should have written about what a great time I had with Maddie, our incredible games of Mastermind, and the resulting discussions on code-breaking strategies… which she has a better handle on than most math majors!
But somehow, what seems important now that I am actually writing, is just that I am sad. I’ll try not to make that a habit.
I wish a great week to the spiderbots that manage to crawl my page here. I know no actual people read it, so I won’t worry too much about my meloncholy mood lol!
Take care…
Jordan.